self determination: wasted

soul searching through this fast-fading wasteland of my mind
dreams now stifled by 36-years of doing crash-and-burn time
muddled, aided and abetted
by tears of fear
and pain with no gain
and intentionally distancing self-pity
stay away I always say
‘cause you never let me
help save
your crumbling kingdom of wisdom
or gave me the chance
to show just how far I was willing to go
(without having had to
masturbate someone’s deflated ego)
so, here I sit, kneel, bow, beg
and stand before you
self determination: wasted
a veritable knot of jangled nerves
a brilliant Boricua brain
running from the speed of your lunacy
but don’t you even try and
judge, condemn, dismiss and execute me, baby
don’t you dare the audacity to
study, label, categorize, trap or box me in
for you don’t fare the capacity
to patent my purebred inner workings
yes, you may study me forever
until you think you really understand
but you will never hit my true number, baby
nor see my true spirit
and I reject your superstitious, stupid, vicious
name calling/dropping/slopping
jealous, egocentric slip-of-the-tongue takes on me
and I denounce your pseudo-intellectual, political, cultural analysis
your “I’ve been there, baby,” psychological mind fuck
your causal interrogatory interpretations based on hearsay
your apprehensive observation of
my superficial nervous gestures
and your one too many rebuking stares
at my one too many painful tears
still, you need a host to carry
your seeds of execrable ignorance
and my determination of self has been wasted
and so, here I sit, kneel, bow, beg
and stand before you
a veritable knot of jangled nerves
a brilliant Boricua brain
running from the speed of your lunacy

© 1995 by Marina Ortiz

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